Words

I've walked on the eggshells for a decade. I have been choked so hard that I have collapsed many times, but not hard enough to kill me once and for all. At this point, I wish it happened. I wish I was dead rather than bearing the seething pain of not living a normal life. Life has taken my ability to form any relationship. Today, I let you go away. Barely a couple of months after tasting the real happiness. You know we are all fragile. Most of us should be handled with care. However, some like me warrant special treatment. Like a war-savaged artwork, people like me should be admired and loved from far away. We are too fragile to be held in arms. We tend to collapse. Then the saddest part is people who hold us are blamed to break us. Little do they know, we are a lost cause from the very beginning. We are unrepairable and unworthy of love. After saying the last goodbye, I went to my happy place. I filled the bathtub. I sat in it. I couldn't picture us in the bathtub listening to...

You don't evoke poetry in me. You don't give me the highs the wild lover inside of me crave. You do nothing to unleash the dirty side of a woman in bed. And yet every morning I desire no one else by my side but you. Every morning I think of your gentle words. They fall on the curves of my body and caress my parched soul. My half-opened eyes search for you in my empty bedroom. Maybe if I close them one more time with total devotion you will miraculously appear. And you will kiss me gently on my cheek. I will live a million lives in that single moment when your lips will touch the right cheek - I often think. I look at my phone and think of calling you. Perhaps one day I will. Perhaps one day the fucked up woman inside me will give up -- and -- the girl who has seen you transform into a man from a boy will win. I will dial your number which I remember by heart. I will ask you to take me away to a far-off wonderland where I will be me and you will be mine. I am waiting for that da...

I asked you to love me. Nothing else. Just love. I didn't desire marriage. I am miles away from the glitter of the designer trousseau, lavish weddings and rituals are suffocating for me. I didn't want a house, money or child from you. I've learnt this by a bad stroke of luck that as a woman I am capable of having all of them on my own. I can build a house and make it home. I can earn, invest and splurge money. I can have and raise a child as a single mother. Don't get me wrong, I am capable of loving myself as well. But I desired love. I wanted to lie on your shoulders as the paisley curtains blew in the cool summer breeze. I wanted to look into nothingness as we listened to Masoom songs on loop. I wanted to gently kiss you on the neck while you were getting ready for the gym. I wanted to share silence with you after our aggressive fight over politics. I wanted to share the lows of my life while I sulked in your lap. I wanted to sit on the carpet and read a book while y...

 I am disappointed. I shall write more and cover more emotions. Hopefully will do it now. Date Published 05/03/2021 तुम किसी मोड पे थाम लो मेरा हाथ बस इसी आस में ज़िंदगी का सफ़र क़ायम है 05/05/2021 रिश्तों में मिलावट है तो दारु में क्यूँ करें साली ज़िंदगी में कोई चीज़ तो नीट हो 05/09/2021 बन के चिट्ठी कभी तेरे घर पे आऊँ और तुम मेरा हाल-ए-दिल पढ़ लेना 05/12/2021 बहुत अफ़सोस की बात है कि हज़ारों चिताएँ जल रही हैं  और कुछ लोग उनपे अपने हाथ सेंक रहे हैं 05/14/2021 Pain, misery and sorrow are better teachers than books can ever be. 05/24/2021 कि तुम्हें महसूस करने की शिद्दत समझ लो  हम खाली बिस्तर पे फेर लेते हैं उंगलियाँ

How melancholic it is that you are the only man I trust my life with and yet I can’t love you? Human emotions are weird. Or am I? Yet all those phone calls where I dial your number and don’t utter a word are proof love exists in all forms. You hear my breathing, silence and sadness. You call my name in between to check if I’m still there or WhatsApp disconnected the only connection we have. I don't call to talk. I want reassurance that you are always there for me. My heart is heavy with unsurmountable pain. If you roam in the darkest corners of my heart, you will see your name written there in bold letters. You are the man who pulls me from depths of despair. But I can’t love you. Not now at least. I don’t want to unburden my sorrows on your shoulders. When the time will come, I want to lie down on your chest and speak only of love. Only of us. Nothing else. I’m really scared. What if I will fall in love with someone else? I won’t have the guts to look into your eyes. I can’t betra...

  I vividly remember the day we became lovers from friends. I texted you a picture. I was wearing a new top. Of course, I looked sexy. Of course, you were aroused. But you didn't say anything more than 'fabulous' for the next 1 hour. You conveniently switched the topic. We talked about our trip which we had been planning since we first met. A plan to visit Italy in June and spend days together under the Tuscan sun. Getting tans lines and reminiscing about our youthful, vibrant days. We talked in length about flight tickets, Airbnbs and different trails we would hike. You were describing the joy of driving a bike on the narrow, serpentine roads of Amalfi. As you continued talking about zipping through roads from Sorrento to Positano, I gazed at WhatsApp. Haplessly looking at my picture and my full-blown attempt to seduce you. And then at your insipid 'fabulous'. 'Dang, let's concentrate on Italy, woman,' I told myself. 'So, are you in?' you asked....

 It has been a hell of a month! There were a lot of personal milestones but as far as writing is concerned I wrote the following: Date Published 04/01/2021 तेरे ख़ास होने का एहसास कुछ यूँ हुआ जिस दिन से तुने हाल नहीं पूछा  मैं बेहाल सी बैठी हूँ 04/03/2021 मुझे आज भी याद है तेरा हलके से मुस्कुराना और सुस्त दोपहर में मेरे काँधे पे गिर जाना 04/07/2011 मशहूर फ़िल्मी गाने जैसा इश्क़ अपना शहर में हर किसी की ज़ुबान पे है 04/08/2021 कमबख़्त कैसा अँधा प्यार है जिसने दिल तोड़ा दिल उसी के गले लग के रोने को बेकरार है