Words

Put a woman through physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse—and then give her the ability to put her pain into words—and she will not only heal herself, she will leave little pieces of light behind for others to find. June marks another anniversary of my blog, and I find myself feeling more grateful than celebratory. My blog didn't begin as a story of survival. It began with poetry. With Hindi couplets scribbled between the demands of everyday life. With a girl who simply loved words and found comfort in arranging emotions into verses. I never set out to build a following or create a community. I was just writing what my heart knew. Somehow, those words found people. Over time, life happened. There were beautiful moments, heartbreaking moments, and seasons that changed me forever. My writing evolved, just as I did. And then, quietly, I stopped writing regularly. In fact, it's been more than three years since I truly showed up here the way I once did. Yet...

  Burn like an inferno—like hell, I care. Loving you so passionately was anything but fair. It was reckless. Consuming. A kind of madness that curled into my skin and made a home there. I gave in to you, not softly, not gracefully, but like a storm crashing against cliffs, knowing  I'd  break myself in the process. This thing between you and me—my words fall flat to define it. Are you the ocean  and  am I the shore? That sounds too poetic for something this violent, this unfinished.  We’re  so close we can hear each  other's  breathing across cities. And  yet  we never seem to  stay  in each  other’s  lives. It's  maddening. There are days I crave you like oxygen. I want you in my life, in my bed, your breath on my neck, your hands claiming every inch of me. And then there are days I want to run. I want you to vanish so I  don’t  have to feel this unbearable pull. And the worst part? Your love....

 I wrote the following in September. Sometimes, I feel I will forget the art of writing couplets because I am not writing at all this year. I strongly believe you have to practice to hone your craft. And I am not doing that. Perhaps I schedule a time to write a poem. Or I need better time management skills. Date Published 09/05/2023 मुझे उसके जाने का इतना अफ़सोस नहीं हुआ  जितना इस बात का कि इतने सालों तक उसे रहने ही क्यों दिया  Love, Saru

Insanely busy August ended on a positive note. It makes me belief in the timing of the universe. And on writing front, I wrote the following. I am hoping I can soon return to a normal routine and find time to write more Hindi poetry. Date Published 08/05/2023 ज़िन्दगी के उस पड़ाव पे है जहाँ दिखावे की फ़िक्र नहीं  और खरा सच बोलने का जिगरा रखते हैं वो गले लगाए और बरसों के दुख हल्के हो बस ऐसे इश्क़ का इंतज़ार आज भी है 08/07/2023 हवा किस तरफ रुख़ बदलेगी ये सिक्कों की खनक बताती हैं 08/17/2023 किसी भी भाषा में इश्क़, इश्क़ ही होता हैं  और धोखा  ज़िन्दगी का सबसे बड़ा सबक़ Love, Saru

I believe every few months I am a different person. Life has been teaching me some great lessons and I am readjusting my wings with a desire to soar high. Whether I will achieve my goals is a different story but chasing my goals without any fear has empowered me. It has made me a different person. I am becoming someone my younger self would have loved. Right now my 2 regrets are I don't have time for my book and I don't do that much creative writing. Writing, especially Hindi poetry, gives me immense joy. God willing, this will change, like all the other things that have changed for the better in my life. Eternally thankful to God, the universe and all the beautiful people I have met in my life. This is what I wrote in July: Date Published 07/20/2023 जब कोई बिन बोले समझ जाए आपका दुख बस यही है जीवन का सबसे बड़ा सुख Love, Saru 

It has been close to 2 years now that I am not writing consistently. I miss writing. It brings me unparalleled joy. I hope things will change for the better and I can spend more time writing. Date Published 06/02/2023 महबूब पास से गुज़रे और साँसे ऊपर-नीचे ना हो  वो साला इश्क़  हराम है 06/03/2023 करवटें लेते रहे रात भर  कि वो सुबह मैसेज भेजें तो अंगड़ाई टूटे मेरे ख्वाब नहीं है बहुत ज़्यादा बस तुम एक कप चाय पे मिल लो उतना काफी है वो बंदूक़ ताने खड़े थे कहीं कोई ज़लील न कर दे  और मैंने हल्की सी मुस्कान से धमाका कर दिया वो मुझे भूल सकता है मिटा नहीं  मैं उसकी इक-इक आदत में बसती हूँ  मजबूरी में इंसान बहुत गुनाह करता हैं पर उसने मज़े-मज़े में मेरा दिल तोड़ दिया

  I've watched you fall in love with another woman. I hugged you when you wallowed for your first girlfriend. I helped you select the perfect shirt for your first date. And I've endured the gut-wrenching pain of you choosing one woman after another while I've always been the one you come back to - not as a lover but as a friend. Then you have the audacity to call me your fallback plan. Fallback plan? Wh**e, f**k buddy or one-night stand command more respect in comparison. At least I'd be your first choice. Not a backup plan to a backup plan. So f**k you. I don't know who I am angry at now - you or me? You have always taken me for granted. And I felt privileged even for that. You felt the right to wake up at 3 am after your girlfriend treated you like sh*t. And I felt obliged to comfort you. You had the guts to nitpick fault in every man who asked me out. And I felt you were protecting me. You selfish bast**d. You kept me as an option all this while. And look at me s...