F**k Love

By -

 

I've watched you fall in love with another woman. I hugged you when you wallowed for your first girlfriend. I helped you select the perfect shirt for your first date. And I've endured the gut-wrenching pain of you choosing one woman after another while I've always been the one you come back to - not as a lover but as a friend. Then you have the audacity to call me your fallback plan. Fallback plan? Wh**e, f**k buddy or one-night stand command more respect in comparison. At least I'd be your first choice. Not a backup plan to a backup plan. So f**k you.

I don't know who I am angry at now - you or me? You have always taken me for granted. And I felt privileged even for that. You felt the right to wake up at 3 am after your girlfriend treated you like sh*t. And I felt obliged to comfort you. You had the guts to nitpick fault in every man who asked me out. And I felt you were protecting me. You selfish bast**d. You kept me as an option all this while. And look at me so blind in hope and love. I looked forward to your leftovers like a ho**y teenager. So f**k me.

I was a charity case, to begin with. I am on the verge of a breakdown now. It feels the world around me will collapse and I will survive only to witness my misery. My heart is so heavy with pain that I feel my chest will explode. I am all choked up with tears I hold back. I feel I am dragging the weight of my dead body. I'm dying slowly. I am rotting inside. I am seething in pain. Please make it right. Please. I beg you.

Who did this? The sensible woman in me knew you and I were a disaster from the very beginning. You needed a friend. You desired a lover. My foolishness was to think you will settle for both in one woman. And I will be that woman. I check all the boxes you are looking for - in a friend - in a lover. So why don't you hug me as a lover? Why do you pat my head as a friend? Why don't you move your fingers in my hair like a man? As a friend, I understand you. But as a lover, I am mad at you. The angry lover blames you.  As a lover, I expect you to do the impossible for me - fall in love with me when you clearly can't.

So f**k love.

*Abridged and unedited. What's your favourite line?

Comments

  1. chitraJuly 10, 2023 at 7:57 AM

    hi , saru... have been following your blog since more than a decade. i am a fan of your writings ever since. But visiting your blog after a gap of some gap.. happened to read this!!!. this is so touchy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Eon HeathJuly 13, 2023 at 6:16 AM

    And its tagged as "Fiction"
    That in itself says a lot.

    Tode koi aur isse
    aur khata bhi isi ki ho,
    dil hai aakhir,
    pyaar ka dard bhi isi ki ho....


    p.s. - After long....

    ReplyDelete

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