I dipped my feet in the holy Ganges - and let a part of you go away - for you were my only sin

I've walked on the eggshells for a decade. I have been choked so hard that I have collapsed many times, but not hard enough to kill me once and for all. At this point, I wish it happened. I wish I was dead rather than bearing the seething pain of not living a normal life. Life has taken my ability to form any relationship. Today, I let you go away. Barely a couple of months after tasting the real happiness.

You know we are all fragile. Most of us should be handled with care. However, some like me warrant special treatment. Like a war-savaged artwork, people like me should be admired and loved from far away. We are too fragile to be held in arms. We tend to collapse. Then the saddest part is people who hold us are blamed to break us. Little do they know, we are a lost cause from the very beginning. We are unrepairable and unworthy of love.

After saying the last goodbye, I went to my happy place. I filled the bathtub. I sat in it. I couldn't picture us in the bathtub listening to music in our Airbnb in Rome. You were not in my embrace. You were not in Rome. You were far away. Even in my fantasy, you seemed to distance yourself. I sank deeper into the bathtub. I felt so heavy in the chest. I couldn't breathe. I finally let the water drain. Then I collapsed. Like a broken lover, broken woman, I wept. The thought of surrendering myself in your arms didn't cross my mind. 'Don't worry, I won't bother you,' was your last text. Then, how could I have bothered you? I felt I lost all rights to even think of you.

I stood up. The water in the bathtub was just enough to cover my feet. Something I wrote long ago crossed my mind. 'I dipped my feet in the holy Ganges - and let a part of you go away - for you were my only sin.' I wrote it for a man who turned me into an empty shell of a human. I thought of him rather than thinking of you. At that moment I knew I have to let you go too.



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