My Life Is A Hollywood Movie And I Fucking Love It

If you told me at 22, I would be single and happy, I'd have shunned the thought right away. Happiness was always dependent on external factors - money, fame or lover. It was never something that stemmed from within. Betrayal, failure and being penniless has taught me -- of all the things in the world -- happiness is something that comes from within. It comes from who you are as a person. You have to be calm, confident and secure with who you are, what you have and most importantly, with what you can't have.

I'm single, starting a career from the very bottom and discovering myself. The journey is not a fairy tale. It is a fucking Hollywood movie that gets nominated for an Oscar. It may not win one. But who the fuck cares!

On weekends, after taking a long luxurious bath, I light bergamot candles and keep freshly-cut flowers on the desk where I slog 45 hours a week, my bedroom doesn't reek of loneliness, it looks sexy as fuck. I watch a travel video of Matera and dream of the day, I will walk on those cobbled streets, eat bread from a small bakery shop and sip fine Italian wine.

I want to experience life in a way I've seen in a Bond movie. I want to be Erin Brockovich who takes life by its nape and tells it - you owe me! I want to wear a leather dress with a designer bag and walk on the streets of New York City with my girlfriends. I want to be Carrie Bradshaw of our girl gang. I want to live through my words, fashion and heartbreak. I want to have a walk-in closet, but I don't want anyone to pay for it. And even if at 60, I don't do any of it, I want to live with these dreams till I die.

I don't want the part of me who believes in hard work, miracles and hope to die ever. And if I die penniless, worthless and homeless - I want my tombstone to read - Here lies someone who truly believed in miracles, poetry and love.

But till I die, I want to feel the sun on my face while I wait for the bus in sub-zero Canada winters. Eat a good meal with my friends once a month and laugh at pathetic jokes. Live life through music, poetry and books. And who knows -- I may even fall in love with myself all over again. Because I so am right now.

Saru