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Monday, July 27, 2015

5 Common Diseases on Facebook


I have a saas-bahu relationship with Facebook - we maintain a good social image, but I can't stand the erratic mood swings of its algorithm and its desire to change the layout every now and then. I even bitch about it to my friends. Sadly, I can leave it only if I divorce my blog. You see, like a good mother, Facebook feeds my blog with 'hits' and 'likes'. Hence, I am indebted to it. But recently, I have been maintaining a safe distance. I deleted its app from my iPad and I log in from my laptop twice a day. Why, you ask?  Well, it's infected with many diseases which are affecting my mental health, if not physical.

It all began on a Monday morning two weeks back. I scrolled down my timeline and saw 359 likes on a friend's photo. I rubbed and cursed my sleepy eyes. 359 - there is a serious overlap of figures! 359 - darn, slow internet, not loading properly! But to my utter dismay, between the time I rubbed my eyes and refreshed the page, the likes went up to 380. It was then, I discovered, Facebook causes massive heartburn. And yours truly, suffered from it. I never knew numbers could hurt that much. Later, I made my peace with such glut of likes on profile pictures. There is no big deal in it, she has 3700 friends; see the percentage, I told myself. I used 'logic syrup' to cool off the agony inside.



Syrup reminds of another disease which has plagued Facebook for years - Type C Diabetics. In spite of constant warning updates from friends, some people don't understand that 'candies' in any form is not good for health. According to recent studies, Candy Crush Saga is responsible for diabetics in those who play it and hypertension in those who get its request every now and then. There, you see, one disease leads to another and Facebook becomes a breeding ground for many illnesses. Though I survived it by bringing some lifestyle changes in my earlier days - Oh, I blocked  'Candy Crush Saga.'



However, there is this disease which affects not the person infected with it but others around them. I am talking about Viral. This is no ordinary infection, it spreads like wildfire and leads to bouts of jealousy. When you see your friends post going viral with thousands of shares, you not only feel restless but give a five-minute lecture on Bhed Chaal on the internet. What is so great about her poem? Should I attempt a tragic-emotional-super-teary poem? As bizarre it may sound, you ask yourself hundreds of senseless questions. You end up looking like a Devdas who can’t figure the reason for Paro’s glamour and high status, and you simply visit the next available social media site for few hours in an attempt to get some attention, only to return to Facebook the next morning. And, your brain becomes a mix of clueless and contrived - a rare mental disorder.

Then, there is another variant of viral - Virtual Diarrhea. Some people litter Facebook. You can spot 20 updates within a span of few hours. They have an opinion on everything under the sun and they just litter your timeline. People, what about Swatchh Bharat Campaign! Well, after writing this post, I am starting a campaign called Swatchh Timeline, where I am using Zuckerberg’s survey of ‘what I want to see most’ to clean my feed. You see, too much of everything is bad and irritating, especially on social media.


To end, I think Facebook needs a ‘Jadu Ki Jhaapi’ and so does, all the envious, cool dudes, hyperactive and hypersensitive people on it. It's for fun and so is this post.

*P. S. - Title of this post is hyped, just like its content.

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122 comments:

  1. I deactivated my facebook profile couple of days ago.

    Facebook is no more about connecting people, there is all type of shit from few selected friends on your friend list. You dont even get the even updates from all of your friends thanks to some shitty logic.

    There is mostly viral content all over the feed and i wasted hours on that. no self control you see :D

    I don't know somehow i have less value in real world and higher value on facebook. Like not more than 5 people connected to me in meerut but i have 300 likes on my profile pic and that kind of give pseudo boost to my existent.
    While it should be other way around. Social platform is something virtual.

    My happiness depends on the number of likes and that should not take control over your feelings.

    If you post your views on anything, you will surely be pissing few of them off.. So you ll be selective with your content.

    And certainly facebook is one of the reason that i quit blogging thus freedom of expression is lost.

    I am trying to revive from that.

    I had to make another facebook profile though to keep my page alive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, as bloggers we all go through such emotional roller coaster. At the end of day, do what keeps you happy and what keeps you inspired. For me, reality is always more important and hence, I spend less time in virtual world and more in real. It's sad that people do the other way round and have grudges against many in their so-called friend circle.

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  2. Ha ha - so true! I do believe that Facebook is what you make it - we are in control, not the other way around.

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  3. oh.. Not to mention the 'I can cook' pictures of upma, poha making you feel nauseaus. FB has to thank my blog for keeping the oxygen on. Hahahah

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha... Even I do that, whenever I bake something special or for the first time. So, all I can say is guilty as charged. :P

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  4. Hahahahhaha, so damn true!

    FB is so overrated seriously.

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  5. he he...brilliant post. Facebook diseases have passed from being an epidemic to being endemic.

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  6. Hahaha.. This read was so much fun.. Haven't read such a funny post in a long time.. Loved the Swachh Bharat and Swachh Timeline duo..!!

    Cheers

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  7. Ha ha ha.. Amazing post Saru.. This post shows thinking power of an author/writer, kehte hain na yahan na pauche ravi wahan pahuche kavi..

    Hilarious!!!

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    Replies
    1. Hehehe... Thanks for the compliment Anjali, humbled!

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  8. dis is such a wonderful post....loved it to he core...wowsome, awesome, I am short of words...i love the gamete of topics u can express <3 Loads of love and deep appreciaion :)

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    1. Humbled, thank you so much Roma. Happy that you enjoyed it.

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  9. Hahaha! Saru! NOW I must go for my annual check-up :)

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    Replies
    1. LOL! Even I need to see my primary :P

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  10. This is one such creative post that really tickled down my funny bones to the core :-D Loved it. Indeed fb is overrated :-P

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  11. Those were somne lovely analogies Saru, interlaqced with slapstick humor:) Good observations ,and I second you!

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  12. Good one Saru! "Mere paas blog hai, readers hai,custom domain hai.Tumhare paas kya hai?"Mere Paas ... likes hai!
    It takes courage to articulate the truth of what one feels.Debjyothi has been doing it in cartoons.You have now done a great job in words!

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  13. Interesting read Saru and it is TRUE as well. Absolutely enjoyed reading it ;-)

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  14. कितने डाइवर्स कमेन्ट हैं फेसबुक के बारे में ...
    मैंने अभी तक अपना खाता भी नहीं खोला ... पता नहीं बचा हुआ हूँ या कुछ छूट रहा है ...

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  15. interesting read a nice funny article

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  16. Mere pas likes hain!! Haha! Absolute truth.

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  17. Hehehe.. I remember Alok tweeting about such things too few days back :) Honestly, I too get such heartburns esp. ever since I have started accepting fellow writers friend request. And to save myself from those stress levels I take breaks very often. But yeah, one thing that I should salute you for is checking FB only twice a day. I am spoiled in that sense :P :( grea post with humorous images :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was getting too much, now I am sane. As they say - too much of everything is bad.

      And thanks for the compliment, Roohi.

      Delete
  18. Hahahha, even though written in jest, I know this feeling. Status pe status... Lol, sometimes I feel very tempted to wipe the whole thing offmy phone. Still gathering guts to do that! Awesome post.

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    Replies
    1. Once done, it brings peace of mind. Trust me, it's worth doing.

      Thanks for reading, Nandana.

      Delete
  19. Haven't logged on 2 my FB acct for so many years now :)
    Love the Filmy post, Saru!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good on you, we can't do that. :)
      We have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

      Delete
  20. Hahaha...loved reading this.
    So true what you say about deactivating fb not possible due to blog's traffic. That's what is still keeping me on it. Of course it is the new place to know of everything happening around us faster than the news. Lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that is true. I get news from my Twitter and Facebook feed.

      Delete
  21. ha ha ha! This is a fantastic post :)
    Had a great time reading this post, Saru. The images were awesome!

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  22. Such a fun post, Saru. I love how you brought in some of the most popular dialogues in the history of Bollywood and tied it in with this post. Your recreations are so perfect!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Flying high, thank you for a generous comment. It just made my day. :)

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  23. Very well said Saru.It has some uses,but the infections are quite deadly too.

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  24. hahaha....we all are (especially bloggers) either the perpetrator or at the receiving end of these common fb diseases. :P :D Loved your expression on each of the diseases you mentioned. A great read, Saru :)

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    Replies
    1. You are so right, as bloggers we know how it feels. Thanks for a lovely comment, Bushra. :)

      Delete
  25. lol. great post Saru. Couldn't stop laughing. Bollywood and Facebook. Too good. :)

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  26. hehehe FB is a deadly addiction. FB ka laddoo, jo khaye woh pachtaye, joh naa khaye woh bhi pachtaye. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I got some 5000 "friends" in facebook so converted it into a page. Now, my posts don't appear in the feed of other people as facebook feels I am a business and hence need to advertise ie pay up money for each post. That is why you see me less in facebook.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's bad. Same thing is happening to my page, the post doesn't even reach 20% of the people who have liked it. No wonder their revenue is up 43% from last year.

      Delete
  28. Omg I too just uninstalled FB from my Smartphone now its just laptop log in for me...no born heart burns...loved your post...sharing it :)

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    1. Same pinch. Thanks for reading and sharing dear. :)

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  29. Lovely post.. 'Bhed-chaal'.. quite true.. Keep writing more posts like this..enjoyed reading it..

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  30. Saas Bahu relation is so true Saru !! and you had me in splits with the status pe status .... its like perfect ! so true! O saru :) :) Hilarious!!
    dipped in sarcasm .. was it ? if it was then it was quite honeyed dear :) loved it :)

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    Replies
    1. It was and thanks for a beautiful comment Kokila. :)

      Delete
  31. Haha. This was too good :-). These days I try and maintain a distance too. And I dont understand why some people would keel posting live updates about what's going on in their lives, do they thing others are that jobless to keep waiting for an update every minute from them? And don't get me started about those many many selfies.

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    Replies
    1. I think either they are self obsessed or are too free. Selfies are pathetic, once in a while it's alright though. I hate when people write 'Good Morning, Salman Bhai' or 'How are you?' on celebrity pictures.

      As I said, a safe distance is good.

      Delete
  32. Good Post Saru Singhal .. Yes FB is now a days more than dangerous than the diseases mentioned in the post. Nice description with supportive pictures....:)

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  33. Hahaha..so true! In my case, I'm on Facebook mainly because of some communities, of which I'm a member ..:-) Of late, I've opened a page for my blog and so here goes another strong reason :-)

    But, yes, I've seen severe issues with 'likes' and "shares'...people sometimes become desperate! I wonder why they take such virtual things so seriously ...

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    Replies
    1. Even I wonder the same. Anyway, as long as they are happy, let them indulge. For me, a restricted relationship is working just fine.

      Delete
  34. Ha ha ha ha ha... so true and hilarious!

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  35. Status pe status..........mere pas like hai ......well said.
    status khojne ke liye ghanto par ghante laga dete hai ,uske bad un par likes pane ke liye. kuch creative nahi. bahut khub Saru bade sundar andaz me likha hai.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aapne sahi kaha! :)
      Padhne ke liya shukriya.

      Delete
  36. Loved your post Saru, fun to read ,
    I am not a big fan of facebook .
    Thank you for making me laugh :)

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  37. Oh my God! :D

    You will kill me laughing! But, it's indeed true. Every word of it! Too funny!

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  38. Haha ..that''s a witty one Saru...I hate receiving invites to play candy crush ..and now just log in not more than once or twice a day. I guess with all social media we need to have our checks & balances in place.

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    1. Right, we must understand it is virtual, not real.

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  39. Hilarious... you have revealed the truth of Facebook in a humorous way. Nothing is more viral these days than some posts on social media. :D Enjoyed reading and yes, I also hate invitations for farmville. ;)

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  40. Aaj mere pas blog hai seems too funny. I count not stop my smile after reading this. Thanks for share!!

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    1. Thank you for reading, Seema. Glad you enjoyed it.

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  41. This is a terribly amusing blog post. I loved it. Thanks Saru for your special brand of humour.

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    1. Humbled, thanks for a generous compliment.

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  42. Hahaha! Well said, Saru :P I do hate the viral diarrhoea :D

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  43. This is hilarious!!! Loved it ... Each meme is priceless...

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  44. This one is very interesting post. I enjoyed a lot reading it. I got the remedy to get rid of Candy crush saga. I will use your trick to get rid of it... :-)
    Few have the habit to post everything what they do on facebook which is irritating.

    I am with you for your "Swaccha Timeline Abhiyaan". Start as soon as possible... My full support for this campaign... Hehehe... :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for your support. Timeline should be cleaned often by using that survey. Thanks again for reading.

      Delete
  45. Came across your blog through Indiblogger. Loved your article. It's hilarious :)

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  46. Hahaha.Cannot control our laughter.We also don't like the invite to play Candy crush.Funny post Saru.

    Cheers,

    Sriram & Krithiga

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  47. I so hate those Candy Crush and Criminal case invites.. Thumbs up @Saru.. I loved this post.!
    Regards,
    outofthebluelife.blogspot.in/

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  48. Amazing post, Saru. I thouroughly enjoyed reading it. I too hate Candy Crush. I am addicted to Scrabble and few games in Mind jolt games.


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    1. I play Scrabble with my husband. And I agree Candy Crush is a nuisance. Thanks for reading, ma'am.

      Delete
  49. Ha ha :) FB is really the saas or is it bahu :) Anyways, too much of FB is a sure recipe for disaster. Had written a humor post on FB some time back

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    1. Please share the link. I would love to read it.

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  50. Hahaha this is so true. You have perfectly captured the diseases afflicting all the Facebookers worldwide :D. Guess, even Zuckerberg wouldn't have imagined these ;).

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  51. So true Saru that's why just stopped navigating my FB and really on the verge of deleting the account LOL but all the facts stated above are so true :-)

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    1. I wish I could do the same. Like I said, it feeds my blog. :)

      Delete
  52. Hi Saru.
    How are you?
    Came over to your blog after seeing your post on Indiblogger.
    We are a married couple from Mumbai, very new to blogging.
    Great post, loved the funny pix.
    Love to see you dropping by at our blog and leaving a comment on our most recent post.
    Best wishes and regards.
    Vee N Ric

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good, pleasure to have your company here.

      Keep blogging!

      Delete

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