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Monday, January 16, 2017

Meri Adhuri Prem Kahani - #50ShadesOfStupidity


If there is one TV commercial I completely associate with, it’s Good Knight Active+ System. It repels mosquitoes with its dual speed action. I had the same effect on boys. I repelled them! My dual-action switch was my words, though. No, I was not bad with words. In fact, I was very intelligent. I still am. But boys don’t like intelligent girls. They ‘pretend’ to like us. All that - ‘I like a girl with whom I can strike meaningful conversation’ - is crap. I tried it many times. And I have many male friends. Not boyfriends, male friends. Boys friend-zoned me! We all know what that means. I am okay with it now but there was a time in my life when I was on a mission. One day I asked my male friend, ‘Why no one from our group has proposed me?’ To which he shamelessly replied, ‘Tu badi intelligent hai yaar, darr lagta hai tujhse!’ And thus, his reply resulted in my 2-month long makeover.

I started my makeover by imitating girls around me - flicking hair, giggling and all that nonsense that make a girl ‘oh-so-cute.’ I did all that. Sadly, I was not a natural at it. When I flicked hair, they landed in someone’s mouth. When I giggled, it sounded like hiccups. Basically, I sucked! I needed a mentor who could teach me the finer nuances of this craft. I wanted Ekalavya-Dronacharya type of relation, minus the Guru Dakshina. My intention was to observe, practice and learn. I didn’t want to be indebted to any girl. I had no intention of giving her my thumb, or any other favor for that matter. As if being intelligent was not a problem enough, my stupid pride ruined it further. So, one summer day in newly opened Barista at Sector 35 Chandigarh, I tried my luck. I imitated the hottest girl in our group - my so-called mentor.

Our group ordered fancy lemonade costing 32 rupees each. I was outraged by the price. To calm myself, I went to the washroom with my hot friend. I told her I preferred the thandi shikanji at Pappu bhaiya ka thela. It costed 5 rupees and came with a view. Thela had the sexy image of Hrithik Roshan bulging biceps from ‘Kaho Naa... Pyaar hai’ plastered in front. Thandi Shikanji-Hot Hrithik made an eclectic mix. She told me to put a stop on such smart-ass comments. They were the reason no boy liked me. I agreed. She was my Love Guru, remember? I kept quiet and headed back to our table with a fake smile - the one that showed my dimples just a little. It was all merry. One boy actually looked at me. I was relishing the new-found attention till my hot friends said, she preferred ‘Nimbu Pani with a View’ at Pappu bhaiya ka thela and boys nodded in appreciation. I was shocked and confused. Shall I call it plagiarism or express my gratitude? She stole my words but made it sophisticated by replacing shikanji with nimbu pani. Was she a thief or teacher? Perplexed, I looked at the mint leaves on the glass and felt like them - completely useless! Now, this is also a problem with intelligent girls, we think too much. A normal girl would have sorted this matter in one sentence - Bitch, you stole my line!

Anyway!

Agenda of the day was to copy her and be cute, and it was only possible with a zipped mouth. I didn’t utter a word, I just played dumb. Yes, I was that desperate for attention. My five minutes of fame happened that very evening when our BSNL landline busted with missed calls. One after another - blank call pe blank call. I was elated - Mujhe laga bus aaj toh Munni badnaam ho hi gaye! My joy knew no bounds. I thanked my hot mentor and continued acting like her. On the next ring, I picked the receiver and blasted - ‘Please missed call karna band kar do. I already have a boyfriend.’ From the other side a familiar voice crushed my inflated ego and super-inflated hopes - ‘Tera boyfriend hai!!?!’ Sensing that I disclosed wrong information to the wrong source - my father - I banged the phone down. When the phone rang again, my father was angry as he had been trying for half-an-hour and got connected just to know that her little girl who he was expecting to pass with flying colors in CS exams, ab pyar ki peengen chada rahi hai.

Then, the obvious happened - my brother laughed his ass off. In that humiliating moment, the only curse I could think was - Bhagwan kare tujhe kabhi missed call na aaye! I mean, seriously! But even God has no mercy. By the time my brother reached high school, affairs got other breeding grounds - mobile and internet. And as far as I was concerned, I remained boyfriend-less. My 2-month long stint has given me at least 50 embarrassing and stupid moments, though.


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74 comments:

  1. Ha ha:) Genre after genre..Saru aapka jawaab nahi!

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  2. Your writings are very candid Saru no matter which genre you are attempting and that is what separates you from the croud :) Keep it up Buddy, always a pleasure reading you!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for such warm words. You are a sweetheart!

      Delete
  3. Plagiarism by love Guru, intolerable :)...throughout while reading had a good laugh. Brilliant Saru.

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    Replies
    1. Plagiarism is intolerable but we all are a victim of it.

      Thank you so much for reading the post and saying such beautiful things.

      Delete
  4. Boyfriend less hone mein hui nahi koi haani;
    Coz Alok ne beautifully puri ki tumhari Prem kahaani!
    U rock Saru :)

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    1. Hahahaha... Alok would take pride in your comment.

      Thank you so much for reading, Shaivi 😘

      Delete
  5. So effortlessly beautiful .... in each and every genre!
    Enjoyed this a lot :)

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  6. hahah... this is such a hilarious one dear.. tickled down my funny bones to the core!

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  7. I don't know how no one proposed you because you were intelligent. If I would have been anywhere near me, I would have stalked you like a shadow :p


    On a serious note, it is very funny story, written in a beautiful way. And there are boys who like intelligent girls :p

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    Replies
    1. The first line of the comment makes me blush. See, I was that deprived of male attention. It still haunts me a bit.

      And yes, there are intelligent boys. I am married to one. I am sure, he makes intelligent choices like marrying me. :d

      Thank you so much for reading, Vikram. I had a hearty laugh reading your feedback. :)

      Delete
  8. Munni badnaam bhi hui to apne hi ghar main - ghor kalyug.....papa ne kitna daanta hoga Saru......:D...

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    Replies
    1. It took a lot of convincing but I managed somehow. My report card was always my escape plan.

      Delete
  9. hahahaha Ye munni bhi badnaam na hui ;) you remind me of my school days... the only time a guy would approach me was to ask for my homework or my notes. :P Till college I was only a go-to-girl before exams ;) It's good I didn't flip my hair, warna shaadi bhi na hoti :D

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    1. Intelligent people problem! :P

      And last line, I laughed out loud, literally!

      You are too funny, Raj. :)

      Delete
  10. too good .... some can relate to it! I loved your bindaas writing style :)

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    1. Thank you so much, Monika :)

      Welcome here!

      Delete
  11. haha! Yeh miss call khatarnak hai! Loove this post and laughing like anything:)

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  12. A picture worth a thousand words. The whole article is superb for your bindass moments but the picture said it all.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. Glad you liked the image as well.

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  13. Mint leaves wali line ....so relatable ..loved it mam...you are supreme.

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    Replies
    1. I've felt useless so many times. Glad that someone is there to company me in my misery.

      Thank you so much for reading, Ankush. :)

      Delete
  14. Ha ha ha...Tum bhi na Saru kamaal ho! And I was boyfriend-less because I was a teacher's daughter and boys were afraid of me. To add to it, they called me a spy. :-D

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    Replies
    1. OMG, you were more miserable than me. I feel for you, Rekha! :P

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  15. Hahaha. Lol. Saru, I am in the same league because of the same reason. Abhi tho Muje chahiye bhi nahi 😜
    Brilliantly written.

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha... Why? You are young and single. Find someone.

      And thank you for reading and sharing, Ramya. <3

      Delete
  16. Haha.. Saru, you are the best.. I can read and re read it so many times..

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    Replies
    1. You are very generous, Mansi. And good to see you back :)

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  17. I was also like you-boyfriendless.. They said tujhse darr lagta hai.. Batao..

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    Replies
    1. As I said earlier, it's Intelligent People Problem. :)

      We are blessed and cursed at the same time, Roohi.

      And thank you so much for reading and sharing on Facebook. :)

      Delete
  18. Saru this was just too funny! Loved it.

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  19. It's always refreshing to read you Saru! Have come here after a really long time and I can't be any happier!

    Cheers

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    Replies
    1. Welcome back, Geetika. It's so good to hear from you.

      Delete
  20. Ha Ha Ha :D This was a refreshing post and so candid in a funny way. Great job and I believe several can relate to it as well! :D :D I'm reading comments right now and they speak the same :D

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    1. Hahaha... Yes, misery has company.

      Thank you for reading, Anmol. :)

      Delete
  21. Hahahah! How funny you are! This one and the other one, about Manisha Koirala! Love it! :D :D

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  22. ha ha! You are a champ Saru. Aaj ki nahi, us zamaane ki :P
    Btw - I was recently in Chandigarh for half a day, and I was thinking of you. I remembered you had mentioned the city in one of your posts :)

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, I studied there. And thanks for a lovely comment, Parul.

      Delete
  23. हा हा मस्त लिखा है ...

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  24. Intelligence ke side effects, Saru :)
    Everything happens for a reason.
    This happened coz your life was to be enlightened with 'Alok' :)

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  25. Very nice... My earlier comment seems to have not appeared here.

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  26. Munni badnaam ke bajaye mashoor ho gayi. Super fun read.

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  27. Haha! I really enjoyed reading this one.
    I hope you are doing well. It's been ages since I came this way.

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    Replies
    1. I know and you were missed. I regret not meeting you when we were in SFO. Hopefully, someday.

      Delete
  28. Awesome and hilarious as always. We all would have sailed in the same boat (we as in intelligent girls ;) ) at one point or other. Strangely I also had guys who told me I scare them other wise they like me a lot . Whatever that means . IT IS STILL THE SAME :(

    ‘I like a girl with whom I can strike meaningful conversation’ - is crap -- this is so true

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    1. Intelligent people problem, Afshan. Or is it a blessing?

      Bottom line is we are happy the way we are.

      Thanks so much for reading, Afshan. It's always good to hear from you.

      Delete
  29. endearing and candid. being boyfriend-less is rather good, but for these funny goof-ups, no one is prepared.

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    Replies
    1. Damn true. And those goof-ups make life interesting.

      Thanks for reading, Pratik.

      Delete

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