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Monday, September 26, 2016

Main Manisha Koirala Banna Chahti Hoon


I pity girls who live in the fake world. Look at me, I am so realistic, even my dreams have a reality check. With 34 waistline and two left feet, I set my boundaries straight. This maturity hasn’t come with age. It has always been there. School ke dino se hi main wise hu… aur loyal bhi! Heroines came, heroines went…but I never budged from my role model - Manisha Koirala. She was not a random pick. We met through divine intervention. Baarish thi, toofan tha, jiski wajah se cable down tha. Bored to death, my brother switched on Doordarshan. Then and there - I met the woman who enlightened the path of my troubled teenage. Inkaar karna mushkil hai, ikrar karna mushkil hai was playing on Chitrahaar. She did PT steps with such poise that the first thought that came to my mind was - bhai sahab, main bhi famous ban sakti hu!


I was fat, so was she. She did PT steps instead of dance. I aced PT steps at school every-single-day. She gave me confidence and for that, I am eternally grateful. I was so pumped up I practiced 2-3 steps in the bathroom. I kicked the empty buckets and my mother shouted from the kitchen. Kya kiya ab? She had no idea a superstar was in the making in her very own bathroom. Ignorant woman! With head held high I stepped out of the bathroom. I felt like a star already. The 15-watt bulb above the washbasin gave my face a distinct aura. I admired myself for good five minutes. I was consumed with the thoughts of my bright future till I saw my reflection in the dressing table mirror. My round belly showed two full plates of dal-chawal I ate an hour before. I sucked my tummy in. You know, it came as a reflex, like I was an actress stepping out of her car and paparazzi was ready with their cameras. By God, I even faked a smile for practice sake. In my mind, I had already replaced Jackie Shroff with school hottie. I was all set to kill him with my killer moves. Kal to bus katleaam hoga school mein!


I went a little early. I wanted the entire classroom for myself. As a true professional, I practiced the catwalk. From the classroom door to the far end where the dustbin was kept - served as the runway. Trust me, I rocked it. There was nothing between me and fame. Nothing... apart from that nerdy chick who always came early. ‘Maths homework kiya?’ Gosh, that silly girl! She was stuck with sin-cos-theta when I was dealing with a real mathematical problem - Yash Raj or Raj Kumar Santoshi. Seriously, if ever that girl became an actress, she could have only anchored Krishi Darshan. Sin-cos-theta, my foot! She ruined my session. It took me four takes, sorry four lectures to get over it.

I was raring to meet my bestie during recess. She was in another section. She was a babe and I loved her. To be really honest, she was fatter than me and no competition. She always waited close to the cycle stand. That day, I didn’t walk to her, I cat-walked. Instead of looking at her, I looked at the crowd and nodded to her questions. Monosyllable replies added ‘class’ to my glamorous personality. She swooned at my new manners and style. ‘Kya hua, proposal?’ she wanted masala. ‘Nahin, yaar,’ I replied while eyeing the school hottie. ‘Yaar, meri aur Rani Mukherjee ki height same hogi na? I took a step towards disclosing my choice of profession. She said nothing but measured me with her eyes - one slow-motion gaze from my ponytail to black bata shoes. I got my reply. Anyway, I mustered the courage and admitted - I want to be an actress. ‘WOW!’ I was not sure of the tone of her reply. I continued, ‘I want to be like Manisha Koirala. She is so good.’ ‘Haye, wo moti!’ she blurted. Again, I sucked my tummy in and called her Guddi Maruti on my way back to the classroom.

P. S. - Jin chubby ladkiyon ko koi nahin puchta woh art house actress ban jati hain, ya fir blogger.
P. P. S - Manisha - I was fat, desperate and gawky; you gave my five feet frame some purpose.

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52 comments:

  1. hahahaha Oh God I laughed so hard at that khatleaam dialogue... this is absolutely hilarious and I totally enjoyed reading it. I could imagine you practicing all the moves ... and PT dance... hahaha now that you have mentioned, it does look like PT dance :D
    I was stick thin in school and envied all the girls who were curvy. My childhood dream was to be Miss world, in case I didn't become an astronaut :P

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    1. Two extreme professions - one require beauty and other brain in the popular view. I guess, girls like us who have both in abundance can dare to have such dreams. I chuckled at your comment. Thanks for gracing this blog with your presence, Raj.

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  2. Saru that was really cool!Being a fatty myself,cant help admiring this post.Long live Manisha Koirala and her ilk!

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    1. Long live those who shed physical inhibitions and make mark in their respective fields. Thanks for reading, Subha!

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  3. hahahahaaa..you are amazing Saru. After reading the PT dance line, I actually stared at the GIFs for good 2 mins. Lol. Absolutely enjoyed reading this. Good one. :D

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    1. Hehehehe... GIFs are to prove my point. I didn't leave it to reader's imagination. Thanks for a heart-warming comment.

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  4. Your post is very very hilarious and entertaining. Just read it on my way to office. Feeling relaxed and starting my day with a good smile.
    Thanks :)

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    1. This just makes my day. Thank you so much, Swati.

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  5. Hahah :D That tinge of humor in your posts... love it <3

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  6. that was hilarious! seriously, I wonder how some actresses managed to make a successful career or even enter into this field :P

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    1. She is a good actress. I wonder how people with zero talent enter this profession and achieve success based on looks. Well, interpretation of art is flawed. We judge on wrong parameters.

      Thank you so much for reading, Ankita.

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  7. hehe fun read...But, Saru, I loved Manisha Koirala. Compared to my mom's generation heroines (Asha Parekhs and Meena Kumaris) she was young and pretty too. Of course acting skills are not a parameter here ;)

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    1. LOL! I like her as an actress. She was superb in Dil Se. Yes, actress are much better looks wise. Well, not looks wise. I take my words back. I think they are fitter now.

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  8. Re read it today ! It's super funny :). How you transition from being to poet to a nano story teller to a funny writer is unbelievable :)

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    1. This is very humbling. I will cherish this comment for a long-long time.
      Thanks a ton, Prateek. :)

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  9. Haha. This was so funny and so innocent as well ! Sigh.. what if we had lived our childhood dreams !

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    1. What if, sigh! Some people do and we should ask them.

      Thanks for reading, Asha.

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  10. Saru, these days ur blog is nothing short of Chitrahar for us. Whenever u write a new post, I tell my hubby, "Areey sunte ho, Saru ne naya post likha hai!" And like a perfect Indian family, we both enjoy ur post with smiles and appreciation. From the walk to the bata shoes, to ur choice of bestie...I cud so so relate to it! When this song came, I too was in school. Almost overnight, she became the hot topic of discussion, thanks to her thunder legs sneaking out of all the outfits in the song!

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    1. This is one of those comments that make me proud. And, blessed too. Can't thank you enough, Shaivi. <3

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  11. Enjoyed reading this Saru . You are truly a wordsmith

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  12. You are amazing, Saru. Loved the humor of this piece. I am sure many girls wanted to be Manisha. 😃

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    1. I am very sure that there were many crazy girls like me. Thank you so much for reading, Rachna.

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  13. Hahaha! Fat or not, you totally rock Saru! The ability to put a smile on someone's face is priceless! PT steps indeed!

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    1. Your comment makes my day. I can totally ignore extra pounds on my body now. Thank you so very much, Kala <3

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  14. Ha ha! Saru, only you can pull that off. Reading it with the gifs is even more awesome

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    1. I know, gifs are so rocking. I laugh every time I look at them. Thanks a bunch for a beautiful comment, Parul. :)

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  15. I already told you what I felt about it Saru. And that last para is "ah so true".. I am Glad I was not in your school but hey, I wasn't fat in school. Yeh to educated hone ka sign hai ;)

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    1. LOL! I was fat, am fat and will be fat. It's like my thing. :)

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  16. I laughed so hard throughout the post. The dance moves do resemble PT steps. I wish I had noticed this earlier.Thus was gone my chance to become an accomplished dancer. :P
    Been busy these days, so missed many of your posts. Your posts always make my day,Saru. :)

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    1. Kiran, you haven't seen me dance. I am the biggest social embarrassment ever! Thanks for a warm comment. You are a sweetheart. <3

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  17. DAMN! :p PT steps! two plate dal chawal! Sin cos theta! :D You are too good girl! This was really my dose of laughter today! :D

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  18. Very hilarious indeed..the dance moves are really writeworthy..You must have been really in awe of her..I wanted to become a work from home mom..from my early college days, I was always trying to find something that pays better tha a day job yet you could do it at the comfort of your home..also looking after your kid..
    Menaka Bharathi has recently published http://simpleindianmom.in/winter-travel-destination-plans-gulmarg

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    1. That's so sweet. Thanks for reading, Menaka.

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  19. Now that is quite honest and nice. She was a diva in her days alright but never really idolised her. Maybe I should have...given what I have just read about her.

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    1. Hahaha... I related to her, she was fat, so was I. What more validation a teenager needs!

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  20. Jin chubby ladkiyon ko koi nahin puchta woh art house actress ban jati hain, ya fir blogger. Haha . aisa kya ? manisha was favourite then but she is not in industry now so dont think about her . But I would appreciate her courage to fight with cancer .

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  21. Hehehe..this was such a hilarious post,Saru! Thanks for making me laugh today. And I like the post script (chubby ladkiyan):D

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  22. was she fat? I don't remember. She had a luminous smile, though.

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    1. Why ask, look at the pictures!

      Yes, her smile is radiant.

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  23. The sheer range of your writing keeps readers coming back to your blog.. This one is one of the most entertaining post I am reading

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  24. A lovely piece of writing Saru . The delay in reading due too much travel

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  25. I am a month late but I had promised myself, after watching this post's promotions on FB, that I have to read this post sooner or later. The PT steps reference to the dance was ultimate. I was forced to keenly observe the video clips. The line which sent me rolling over is "Jin chubby ladkiyon ko koi nahin puchta woh art house actress ban jati hain, ya fir blogger" and thus I agree why I blog.

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    1. Hi-Five! We blog, therefore we are... you know, chubby!

      Thank you so much for reading, Anamika :)

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